They say every thing happens for a reason..........
They say that God will never give you anything that you can't handle..........
I'm not sure I agree with this "they."
I just found out that I'm pregnant.
I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotions right now. I don't even know HOW to feel. It's not that I never wanted to have another child. I just didn't want one right now. I wanted to have the chance to enjoy Calvin as the baby and even as a toddler before deciding on another baby.
I feel .......stupid for one. I feel so stupid for not being more careful. I fought my doctor against birth control. My first and only experience with it was right after Ya-ya was born. It was horrible. I lost myself, lost complete control over my emotions, and gained about 40 pounds that i am STILL fighting to lose. I told that doctor that I would rather end up pregnant again than to go on birth control.... and well whatdoya know. Now I have to make an appointment to go sit and be judged by that man... by the nurses.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm depriving the Baby of getting to BE the baby. He's not quite five months old yet and already there's another little one on the way. I feel guilty because I'm not 100% excited. I feel guilty because I'm upset and even a little embarrased. I feel guilty because I'm not ready for this and all I can think right now is how in the world am I going to DO this?
How am I going to take care of an infant and a one year old baby at the same time. They are both going to need me SO MUCH. And on top of that I will have a 5 year old starting Kindergarten who is going to need my attention and my support. Where am I going to find another baby crib? I'm going to have to have TWO baby beds... AT THE SAME TIME! How am I going to get Ya-ya ready for school, feed a new baby, and feed a one year old? At the same time? I'm not going to get more than 5 hours sleep for the next 2 years. AT LEAST.
And I know. I know I sound horribly selfish and ungrateful. But, honestly.....I don't know how else to feel. I'm scared and upset and just completely blown away. And 100% NOT READY. But I guess I'll just have to put on my mommy panties and suck it up, because this is happening, one way or another. And I guess maybe once I get over the shock I'll start to get excited. I hope so. I WANT to be. I'm just not right now.
Mom is though. Go figure. She's ecstatic. Which I guess she can be since she gets to get a full 8-10 hours sleep every night. *sigh* Oh well... what the heck... I guess I'm pregnant. Again. Already.