Pages

Friday, January 8, 2010

They Say

They say every thing happens for a reason..........

They say that God will never give you anything that you can't handle..........


I'm not sure I agree with this "they."

I just found out that I'm pregnant.

Again.

Already.

I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotions right now. I don't even know HOW to feel. It's not that I never wanted to have another child. I just didn't want one right now. I wanted to have the chance to enjoy Calvin as the baby and even as a toddler before deciding on another baby.

I feel .......stupid for one. I feel so stupid for not being more careful. I fought my doctor against birth control. My first and only experience with it was right after Ya-ya was born. It was horrible. I lost myself, lost complete control over my emotions, and gained about 40 pounds that i am STILL fighting to lose. I told that doctor that I would rather end up pregnant again than to go on birth control.... and well whatdoya know. Now I have to make an appointment to go sit and be judged by that man... by the nurses.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm depriving the Baby of getting to BE the baby. He's not quite five months old yet and already there's another little one on the way. I feel guilty because I'm not 100% excited. I feel guilty because I'm upset and even a little embarrased. I feel guilty because I'm not ready for this and all I can think right now is how in the world am I going to DO this?

How am I going to take care of an infant and a one year old baby at the same time. They are both going to need me SO MUCH. And on top of that I will have a 5 year old starting Kindergarten who is going to need my attention and my support. Where am I going to find another baby crib? I'm going to have to have TWO baby beds... AT THE SAME TIME! How am I going to get Ya-ya ready for school, feed a new baby, and feed a one year old? At the same time? I'm not going to get more than 5 hours sleep for the next 2 years. AT LEAST.

And I know. I know I sound horribly selfish and ungrateful. But, honestly.....I don't know how else to feel. I'm scared and upset and just completely blown away. And 100% NOT READY. But I guess I'll just have to put on my mommy panties and suck it up, because this is happening, one way or another. And I guess maybe once I get over the shock I'll start to get excited. I hope so. I WANT to be. I'm just not right now.

Mom is though. Go figure. She's ecstatic. Which I guess she can be since she gets to get a full 8-10 hours sleep every night. *sigh* Oh well... what the heck... I guess I'm pregnant. Again. Already.

17 comments:

Tammie said...

oh wow. wow. first off, im sorry this isnt news you wanted to hear right now. that truly sucks.

secondly, you DON'T sound selfish and ungrateful. absolutely not. if you dont want a baby, then you dont want a baby.
im absolutely certain i dont want anymore babies. i dont think this means im selfish, it means i know my own circumstances and abilities and i know what i can handle.

i know its too late this time, but has the hubby thought about a vasectomy? jay had one after the girl was born and he said it doesnt hurt nearly as much as one thinks, and its a simple procedure covered by most insurance companies. for us, it was the best possible choice.

anyway, i hope you find a way of dealing with this that makes you happy. you arent a bad person at all.

Barefoot_Mommy said...

Well to be honest, niether one of us was really into the whole surgery deal, but I'm thinking that after this baby we will have to seriously rethink our strategy. Probably not surgery, but there's a possibility of talking to my doctor about my reservations with birth control and maybe finding one that could work for me without making me miserable all of the time.
Truthfully, I think I'm mostly just in shock. As I said, it's not that we considered ourselves to be through with two children. We wanted at least one more. We just wanted it eventually, rather than right away. But you know, at least this way we'll have all three while we're young. LOL
The more used to the idea I become, the more I know that I CAN do this. It's just quite a shocker. I'm sure that in just a few short weeks once I've had time to adjust my mindset to this that I'll be excited and happy and I KNOW that no matter what, I'll love the baby. We will love the baby. And one way or another, we'll all make it through. It's just a lot to think about right now. I'm struggling... and I truly appreciate the support.

Nowheymama said...

Our third was a surprise, timing wise, too. I didn't know how I'd handle the youngest two being so close in age (just under two years) but it's all worked out. And I found going from two to three much easier than going from one to two.

I'm not trying to discount your feelings at all, just wanted you to know that I've been there and it all worked out.

Daphne said...

Hugs to you... I think you're feeling some very natural emotions -- what a shock! At least the kids will entertain each other when they're a little older... right? Right?

Give yourself time to adjust and just feel your feelings. It's better to move THROUGH them than to stuff them.

Sending you good thoughts, dear.

Barefoot_Mommy said...

Nowhey Momma- That is very comforting to hear and I've heard it from a couple of people too. At least it's not uncommon, and I think the more I get used to it, the more ready I am for the task, but it is still comforting to hear that others have done just fine with similar situations too.

Daphne- Thanks, and I do think you are right. Being close in age, they will always have someone to play with. My very good friend has two children who are only a year apart and they seem to share a very close bond.

Pearl said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. How confusing, how life-changing.

I have no advice, unfortunately. My mother had me, my brother, and my sister in three years. There are pictures of me waddling down the hall toward the kitchen garbage, holding my brother's dirty/rolled up diaper at arm's length.

You will get through this as so many other women have: one day at a time, with all the grace you can muster. And on the days you cry, the children will cut you slack, you just watch.

All the best to you my friend,

Pearl

Karen said...

(I think blogger ate my comment yesterday, damn it)

I cried for a long long time when I found out I was having twins, for all the same reasons you mentioned (less attention for all the kids, no sleep for me, we're all doomed, etc). I still freak out from time to time but for the most part it's kind of fun, and it's getting better every day.

This is my experience: everyone you know is going to want to help. Have a list of stuff people can do (fold laundry, drop off meals, hold the baby, go to the grocery store, drive Nadia to school...). Make people understand that you will beat senseless anyone who gives you clothing, blankets, or toys. Explain that you need a new car seat, crib, and high chair, PERIOD.

Honestly, I'm super happy for you guys. Can't wait to compare notes on the challenges of raising a bunch of near-same-age kiddos. But definitely allow yourself some time to be shocked.

Barefoot_Mommy said...

Pearl- I already employ Nadia to carry diapers to the garbage can, bring me pacifiers, etc. She doesn't seem to mind... really seems to enjoy it actually.

Karen- I know. I thought of you when we found out. We will definitely have to compare notes.

Tammie said...

i hope you find a birth control that works for you. :)

already you seem to be in a somewhat better place than when you wrote the inital post, are you feeling better?

and i agree with karen, your friends and family probably want to help more than you know, be specific with them.

just know you've been in my thoughts. :)

Dani said...

I feel odd commenting for the first time on a post so personal. But I am going to anyway.

I feel for you. You don't sound selfish...you sound realistic. Having a baby is hard...especially when you already have a baby.

Hang in there. We are all here for you in Blog Land.

Barefoot_Mommy said...

:) I noticed the other day that this post is also my 100th post for this blog. *laughs* what a way to celebrate, right? Anyway, thanks for the support and understanding.

beki said...

You know what? I felt the same exact way when I found out I was pregnant with #3. She wasn't planned at all. My #2 wasn't as young as yours (he was just over a year), but young enough! I felt bad because I wasn't excited and I actually became quite depressed about it. In the end, all was fine. The transition from 2-3 was tough, but we made it. And now at 3 and 5, the youngest two are super close. In fact, my oldest gets jealous over their relationship. It won't be easy, but it goes by in a flash. Then you'll look back and wonder how in the world you did it!!

Not Hannah said...

Damn. My comment went poof. It's okay, I remember what it said: I luff you. That's all.

Wiregrass Catholic Mom said...

Theresa, could I chime in here as someone who has been where you are and survived it? Just some randomness from my life way back when:
Christina was 6 months old when Cat was conceived. Cat was 9 months old when Caro was conceived, Caro was not quite one when Cymberley was conceived...so the girls are 15 months, 18 months and 20 months apart. Then there are the barren years between Cymberley and David. Since I have a lot more perspective on this time now then I did when I found out that I was pregnant with Cat and had the baby-from-the-dark-side who was allergic to everything and NEVER slept, first let me give you a great big virtual (((((HUG))))). You don't sound selfish - you just sound overwhelmed. But that will pass. (Oh, Dave and Dan are only 20 months apart, too. But I had big kids by then and babies are not as hard to care for when there are 8 other arms to help!)

Then let me assure you that if you will accept this baby with joy, this baby - planned by God from all eternity - will be a person who someday you will think - Wow, I am so glad God knew better than I did.
It's a good thing this fertility. It is a blessing. And if you will live with it (and if you feel you need to, try NFP - it will work - and you won't gain forty pounds and you will have the option of just stopping whenever and you won't be accidentally aborting anyone because birth control does that, you know?) and offer it to God, someday you will look at your beautiful family - more beautiful than you can imagine now - and know such peace and joy and love.
More children don't deplete the love you have for any of them. Sometimes it stresses the amount of time and attention that you think each one MUST have, but that's where God covers our butts. He sends these people, be ASSURED that HE knows better than you what they need and that he will supply what you and they need. Really. (But when I was 26, I wasn't as convinced as I am now at 46!)
In 1991, Cymmie was born - Christina had just turned 4, Cat was 3 and Carolynne was 1...I thought I would not survive that time.
And now, oh for one more minute of awareness of the great gift of little people everywhere! The gift of being allowed such a sweet and beautiful way to die to oneself.

(end part one)

Wiregrass Catholic Mom said...

(begin part 2 LOL)

It is hard to be countercultural - especially if you didn't sign up to be. Buddy thought we'd have two kids and that would be plenty...that was a great struggle in our lives. Ask him now if that was worth the fight (he'll tell you he should have just been happy, he wasted a lot of time being upset that things didn't go his way), if he would rather have lived his life never knowing Carolynne, Cymberley, David, Daniel or Dominic. ROFLOL.
He is so proud to be the dad of these 7 people it's almost sinful. :)
But pregnancy is a public event and people can't help but stick their noses in your belly and say stuff. Sometimes well meaning (like this), sometimes awful - like one time when I was pregnant with Dan and some old biddy in Rite Aid thought it was my first or second, when she learned I was pregnant for the sixth time, she said, "Oh that's awful, you should get fixed." And huffed away, apalled. By that time such things had become less offensive and more humorous - after all I had at one point asked my FIL which one I should send back...But oh in the early days when the only person in my world who was excited about my babies was your Mom, that kind of remark was killing.
And battle with OB's. Oh, don't even get me started. I know Dr Thompson, he missed Dan's birth by 20 minutes. I liked him, but his nurses were definitely not supportive of big families (I only went there with Dan). If you are in good health and don't have issues, have you considered a midwife - there's one in Laurel Hill and she's lovely. And well trained. It's a birth center, not a home birth midwife. Her picture & an article

http://www.crestviewbulletin.com/news/years-2986-birthing-celebrates.html

Phone number (850) 834-2946 Midwives love pregnant women, pregnancy and babies, they are far more non-judgmental than doctors.
All this is made so much more difficult by the area where we live and the idea that our fertility belongs to our wills and is something to be managed in the same manner that everyone else manages theirs. So many persons here Disregard it as the gift that it and the ensuing children are...
I hope this has been helpful and doesn't sound too preachy. Not meant to. Just know that lots of women have been where you are. And many of them learn that it was a good place. Love you, Joann

Barefoot_Mommy said...

You know, I thought of you for a moment when I was debating on whether or not I was going to buy that pregnancy test or just live in denial for a few more weeks.

Honestly, now that I am over the initial shock, I am starting to get excited and I for one, should know that babies come when they are meant to come and not when it is most convienient for us big people. I know that when the baby comes there will be a moment when I will wonder how or why in the world did I ever question it.

There are just so many things that come with this baby too like... I need a bigger table for one, and a bigger car for another. Lots of things for me to worry about. LOL And you're right about people and their judgements. I for one have never been opposed to having a big family. I've always loved babies, even before I became a mother. People are just so......closed to it these days. The nurses begin pushing birth control when you walk in for your first prenatal check up and I got several nasty looks when I explained to them while pregnant with Calvin, that I wasn't interested. "Well what will you do if you get pregnant?!" they would gasp. "I'll just have another baby," I replied. Now I guess, God is giving me the chance to live up to my convictions.

I might actually consider the midwife this round. My best friend, Barb who lives in MI, has been training to be a doula and hopes to eventually become a midwife. She almost had me convinced to go that route last round.

I am lucky enough that I am surrounded by friends and family that are excited about the baby and really the only people who are judgmental and mean are the people who I don't know, the ones that aren't involved in my everyday life. And in that, I guess I can be strong enough to deal with, because when it comes down to it... what bearing do they have on my life anyway?

I love that you commented though. I love that there are so many people that I can look to who have done it and know that I can do it to. Whenever I would get worried about how I would be a mom back when I got pregnant with Nadia, mom would always say, "You just love the baby, Theresa." That's it. You just love the baby. And that's how I get through this too.

Barefoot_Mommy said...

You know, I thought of you for a moment when I was debating on whether or not I was going to buy that pregnancy test or just live in denial for a few more weeks.

Honestly, now that I am over the initial shock, I am starting to get excited and I for one, should know that babies come when they are meant to come and not when it is most convienient for us big people. I know that when the baby comes there will be a moment when I will wonder how or why in the world did I ever question it.

There are just so many things that come with this baby too like... I need a bigger table for one, and a bigger car for another. Lots of things for me to worry about. LOL And you're right about people and their judgements. I for one have never been opposed to having a big family. I've always loved babies, even before I became a mother. People are just so......closed to it these days. The nurses begin pushing birth control when you walk in for your first prenatal check up and I got several nasty looks when I explained to them while pregnant with Calvin, that I wasn't interested. "Well what will you do if you get pregnant?!" they would gasp. "I'll just have another baby," I replied. Now I guess, God is giving me the chance to live up to my convictions.

I might actually consider the midwife this round. My best friend, Barb who lives in MI, has been training to be a doula and hopes to eventually become a midwife. She almost had me convinced to go that route last round.

I am lucky enough that I am surrounded by friends and family that are excited about the baby and really the only people who are judgmental and mean are the people who I don't know, the ones that aren't involved in my everyday life. And in that, I guess I can be strong enough to deal with, because when it comes down to it... what bearing do they have on my life anyway?

I love that you commented though. I love that there are so many people that I can look to who have done it and know that I can do it to. Whenever I would get worried about how I would be a mom back when I got pregnant with Nadia, mom would always say, "You just love the baby, Theresa." That's it. You just love the baby. And that's how I get through this too.